Conflict Resolution a Case Study in Relationship Counselling

It quickly became apparent that both partners had a problem, but neither of the partners were working on the same problem at the same time. She was defending her perspective of problem 1, while he was defending his perspective of problem 2! They were speaking two different languages! Simply focusing on the individual problems for each partner enabled us to start working things out.

We focused on one problem at a time, brainstorming solutions, and when finished listing all our collective inspirational ideas, each partner valued their rating on an emotional level as to how good each idea felt to them. adding the two rating votes together gave us the ‘relationship vote.’ From there we were able to formulate some agreements to try.

Problem 1: 

She is experiencing “Selfishness, He is Drinking Too Much”

 Possible Solutions brainstormed by the couple:

These solutions were brainstormed and then each partner gave a rating for the possible solutions from 1 to 10, where 10 is the best. Adding each partner’s score together gives the relationship vote:

1. He will gain control and say no to drinkingCouples score 5+10 = 15He will spend quality time with her - Couples score 10+10 = 20
2. He will show more care for her and also bring care to the relationshipCouples score 10+10 = 20We will split up and go our separate ways - couples score 0+0 = 0
3. We will agree on one night for drinking with the boys per week onlycouples score 10+10 = 20He will quit drinking all together - Couples score 0+0 = 0
4. He will demonstrate valuing of her opinions by reflecting them back to her and considering what she is offering - Couples score 10+10 = 20

Agreement:

We obviously want to stay together and get things to work between us as we love each other greatly and value our relationship. We also enjoy occasional social drinks with meals and such.

We will together select one night for drinking with the boys each week. We will pick a mutually agreeable time each week to hold a ‘relationship meeting’ where we will discuss this decision, and also share what is working in the relationship, and what is a challenge in the relationship.

We will also share with each other our schedules, goals and expectations for the week and find a time to spend together in quality relationship time. We will consider each other’s love language (she = Quality Time, he = Physical Touch) so that this quality time together will benefit us both from including both of these languages of love. Exploring a Personality Needs and Traits Type Profile will also help us in making these decisions from a mutually beneficial basis. We will do this this week. 

Problem 2:

 He is feeling chained.

 Possible Solutions:

1.  He has no limits on his choices - Couples score 5+0 = 5
2. Sort things out without fighting in a calm manner, “I” statements, banning the words ‘you’ and ‘why’ in discussions - Couples score 10+10 = 20
3. Build a system or timetable for each weekCouples score 10+10 = 20Find other social outlets that we can enjoy together - Couples score 10+10 = 20
4. Increase our self confidence so we feel comfortable about communicating our needs and desires - Couples score 10+10 = 20
5. Be more open with our ideas and what we want to do - couples score 10+10 = 20
6. Have balance in the relationship with who gets to compromise and who gets to have their own way - Couples score 10+10 = 20  

Agreement:

All of these items rated highly except for ‘he has no limits on his choices.’ Fantastic that we are both willing to compromise and accept some limits to work through this! The common thread in all of these items is Communication. To help with this Ron will email the links for the Communication e-Course to each of us. 

We will both do the course either together or separately and bring feedback to the next session in two weeks time. Both of us will also seek out the e-Course already sent to us, that we have not done yet, on ‘Conflict Resolution’ and do this Webinar too. Old habits will repeat yesterday, new habits will create tomorrow and enhance the now!

Conclusions: 

We were both able to stay calm while working through this model and at times even enjoyed expressing our humor. We agree to implement the planned agreements we have made, to take notes on how these plans have worked out, and to bring those notes to session in two weeks to re-evaluate and see what has worked and if any thing has not worked.

We will then re-define our planned agreements as required, and as agreed to bring Lasting Positive Change to our relationship.

Conflict Resolution and Anger Management Online e-Course