Although people often do not recognize it in themselves, shame is an underlying drive for many of the things we do and say and for many of the patterns we develop in relationships. 

Understanding more about shame and its role in our life is the beginning of being able to face and overcome shame. 

Facing shame and moving beyond shame is often a crucial component to Lasting Positive Change and inner peace.Shame is closely related to, and/or the result of, guilt. 

Whereas guilt is about our actions, i.e. what we do, have done, or will do, shame is about who we perceive ourselves to be. It is a message that we have learned and integrated, sometimes from very early on in our lives, about our value, worth and love-ability.

Shame is an aspect that says, “I am not good enough, I am not lovable I am not OK ” 

The process by which guilt can lead to shame can be for example “I have done, or will do (something) and I, or someone else perceives this as bad, this thought process shows us that we are not a good person, not lovable.”

The development of shame often happens through the attachment and separation process developed between children and parents or caregivers and occurring at a very young age. 

When the relationship with parents or caregivers is difficult, destructively critical or ambiguous, shame can be the result. It can also occur through trauma, when a child feels abandoned or has been sexually abused. In their world, the only way they can make sense of what has happened is to blame themselves.

For example, if a parent goes away, the child may think they did something wrong. If a parent is angry, the child may think it is his or her fault. The same process can happen as people get older and traumatic events occur. For instance if they are sexually abused or raped and they may believe they could have prevented this situation, or that it was their fault (guilt), hence they blame themselves (shame). Of course it is the abuser's failure to keep them safe, and therefore the abuser's fault in failure to fulfil their caring role.

Even later in life, guilt can trigger shame.For example when a caregiver has to make a decision that they no longer can care for an aging parent or spouse, the decision to use a nursing home can bring on powerful guilt that triggers shame. They may think, “if only I was stronger,” or “I have failed.” 

The degree to which that shame occurs can sometimes be due to distancing relationships that have been part of a person’s experience throughout their lives.Repressed shame is usually expressed in indirect ways, for example as anger or boasting.

It may be behind a personality that appears to be rigid or judgmental. The belief is that if someone knew “what I am really like” or “what actually happened to me” they would not be accepting of me. Shame may be unrecognised because it is perceived as a normal way of thinking, but in the process shame buries our conscious feeling state so deeply into our unconscious that it creates great discomfort. 

The more shame cut us off, is unrecognised, and not dealt with, the less power we have to run ourselves. It can generalize, that is, go from being about a single event to being about the whole person in total, (All or nothing thinking).

Shame is one of the most painful and difficult aspects of our personality to deal with.

The expression, “I could have died of embarrassment” is testimony to its ability to hold us back; at some level, people are afraid that the pain of powerlessness that comes from shame really will kill them. 

In order to deal with shame, or even recognize the powerlessness, people need to feel that they are in a psychologically, physically and emotionally safe place. 

We may need help and encouragement to begin to examine the shame and the experiences which led to the creation of shame. But more importantly to focus on the truth of whom we are, in order to reclaim our true power. 

Counselling is one of the places that is safe and where we can reclaim this inner strength with a therapist that you can grow to trust.

When someone has the courage to explore painful and miss-perceiving aspects, they learn that the truth about them is different from the one that they believe. People can learn that they are not bad, or unlovable, or that what happened is not actually their fault. 

Healing begins when we can come to see that we are acceptable and lovable. Sometimes what we have to do is take a leap of faith and believe that someone does care about us. Our therapist is often the first person that we will try this with. 

We dare to trust, and with the trust, and what we learn, a greater trust is built, one in which we come to feel secure about who we are.

Shame can also be faced in secure relationships. When we can risk admitting to our significant other unexpressed feelings, fears, and insecurities, and find acceptance, and love, we begin to heal from our pain. At the same time, when a partner, or a counsellor, hears what is underlying our actions, and what is in our mind and heart, we can begin to be more supportive and in turn be less judgmental, distant and angry.

Instead of being pushed away by anger, hostility, or coldness, we experience our partner, or counsellor, as an emotionally secure person who is inviting us in; a new pattern in the relationship can then develop. As we learn that we can trust our partner, or therapist, we risk more often being our authentic self, and showing who we truly are. 

This is a process that is done on both sides, and the result is a relationship where loneliness and fear are replaced with caring, love, truth, and in-to-me-see.